The Printer Battle Chronicles
by Telwyn Dubois
Summary: My first attempt at humor. This work is the result of midnight urges to write. The reader is warned that this is a very odd story, originating from a conversation with a guy I know.


Summary: A crazy, zany fic I wrote for my own entertainment, and nobody else's! ::pushes people off the site::. LOL. J/k. I liked it so much I thought other people should see into the inner depths of my mind, and what craziness can come from IM-ing a friend and RPGing w/ him, plus Harry Potter. Please, if you don't like it, no flames. Normally, I accept them w/o complaint, but this one is just a crazy ficcy.

Disclaimer: Only I would be capable of making the printer explode. This is in no way JKR's, and thank goodness for that! (or else crazy fics like this one would be bestsellers). Then where would we be?

This is a short fic that originated from my issues with the printer. It still doesn't work…

* * *

Ryan, my dear, dear friend, stands in the center of the stage. "Ding ding! In this corner," He sweeps his hand towards the corner, "Is my friend Kelly!! She had issues with the printer today…and her darned homework…" Kelly cowers in the corner.

"And in the _other_ corner," A beam of light illuminates the other corner, "Is the printer that Kelly had issues with!" The evil printer glares murderously at them.

"Ready…set…go!" A bell rings somewhere in the distance.

Kelly lunges out and smashes the printer with a sledgehammer. The crowd watches, stunned, as she…

::scene freezes::

"CUT!" Paulina runs out on stage, stopping the cameras. She looks from the script towards Kelly. "You were supposed to use a chair! Where did you get that sledgehammer anyway?"

Kelly grins. "Transfig, year six. Wands really do come in handy…" The crowd grins with her. Many of them pull out their own wands and try to transfigurize things into sledgehammers. (including their neighbors)

Crowd now consists of half sledgehammers, a quarter ppl half turned into sledgehammers, and a few pleased as punch people.

Paulina shrugs. "If you say so. Although the chair really is neater." She runs off stage. "Lights, camera, ACTION!"

::scene resumes::

The printer lay smoking on the ground. Unfortunately, Ryan was standing TOO CLOSE to the printer when it exploded…eh…blew up. Ryan's gone.

::scene freezes::

Paulina runs out on stage again. "Alright people, this is what REALLY happened back then! So now can we skip…hmm..sixteen years into the feature?"

Crowd nods.

"Right, people!" Paulina runs off stage…again.

::scene fastfowards sixteen years::

Crowd glances around wearily. They're all 16 years older, and now they have long beards and mustaches. Even half of the women. (ugh). The sledgehammers are sporting beards too...

Hermione Granger walks out on stage, oblivious to the crowd. She reads out loud from a magazine. "All they found of him was a finger…" she snorted. "What a load of rubbish…"

"Oi! 'Mione! What's that you found?" Ron runs out, looking at the magazine. He trips. Falling, he crashes over a chair.

::scene pauses::

"CUT!" Paulina runs out again. She glares at the chair. "What's it doing here?"

Ron glares too. "You think I know? If I knew, then I wouldn't have tripped, eh?"

Kelly smacks her forehead. "I was supposed to use that, instead of my conjured sledgehammer."

Ron stares. "Sledgehammers are wicked!"

Kelly beams. "I know!"

Hermione glares. "Get your paws off my boyfriend!"

Kelly's confused. "Your boyfriend?"

Hermione shrugs. "Somewhere around page one hundred and sixty four of Half blood Prince, I think. Hasn't anybody hear read the book?!?"

Crowd shakes head.

(A/N: This is in no way true at all!)

Kelly says, "Nope! That's why you're here! And he's not your boyfriend Yet!"

Hermione glares some more."

Paulina steps in. "People! Places! Let's get started!"

::scene resumes::

"Oh, Ron! Are you ok?" Hermione drops the magazine and runs to Ron. She trips on the chair too. Muttering, she says, "Why is this blasted chair STILL HERE?!?"

"Dunno." Ron picks himself up and shrugs.

Paulina steps out again, being game host. "Alright people! Can you guess who Ryan Suzuki REALLY IS?!?" crowd's quiet. She glares at them and yells, "CUT!"

::scene freezes::

"Why'd you stop?" Ron groans irritably. "And can we please move the chair?"

"I dunno about the chair. But where's the crowd's enthusiasm?" Paulina waves script around. Reading aloud, the short director says, "Paulina: ::moves chair:: Crowd: ::cheers wildly::". She looks up expectantly.

Crowd looks at one another, then bursts into cheers. They don't know what they're cheering, but as Bernie Bott says, "We're having fun!"

::scene resumes::

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" Paulina shouts at the cameraman. He shrugs.

"I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ONSTAGE! I'M THE DIRECTOR!!" Runs offstage.

Harry suddenly appears, and runs offstage, dragging Paulina back. "You're supposed to be onstage at this point! You were telling them about Ryan Suzuki!" He hisses into her ear. Dropping her onto the floor, Harry sprints offstage. Moments later, Ginny appears, sprinting after him. Kelly watches them go, bemused.

Paulina jumps up. "HEY EVERYBODY!" Hermione discreetly points at her and says, "_Quietus"_

Paulina and Hermione begin battling, so that Paulina's speech sounds like this, "RYAN suzuki _Sonorus_ IS REALLY peter pettigrew _Sonorus_ EVERYBODY! DID you hear _Sonorus_ THAT?!?" Glares at Hermione, who shrugs.

Ryan suddenly jumps out of a trapdoor. "That's me!" He yells cheerfully. "I'm PETER PETTIGREW!"

Kelly and Paulina look at him in disgust. That is, right before Kelly brandishes her wand and turns the chair into a sledgehammer.

She trips over her sledgehammer.

"AHH! What is it doing here!" Kelly glares at it.

"Er…You just put it there."

"Oh. Right." Kelly grabs her sledgehammer, before turning to Ryan/Peter. "YOU KILLED MY AUNT AND UNCLE! YOU WILL PAY! DIE!"

Paulina stares at the script in her hand. "Character List: Kelly, niece of Lily Evans. Mother is Daisy Stevens, emancipated and forgotten from Evans family. Father: Thomas Stevens. Cousin: Harry Potter. Kelly attends Beauxbatons."

Crowd oohs.

"You're my cousin?" Harry walks back onstage. Kelly stops chasing Ryan/Peter around to nod. "WOW!" He begins running towards her. She stops and transfigures a bit of the exploding printer into another sledgehammer. "Here ya go. KILL PETER!"

"OK!" Harry shouts… he begins chasing Ryan/Peter around too.

Paulina clears her throat. "Well, after that, er, interesting scene, I-"

Sirius and Remus walk in.

Paulina stares at Sirius. "You're DEAD!"

Sirius raises an eyebrow. "I am? What'd I do to her?" He whispers to Remus. Gestures towards Paulina. "She's short, Asian, and normal looking. Don't remember her!"

"No, dumba::! YOU'RE NOT ALIVE!" Paulina yells.

Remus pokes Sirius. Shrugs. "He's as alive as I am!"

Paulina smacks herself in the forehead. "You guys are your 17-year-old selves, so you're not dead yet! Duh!" Ogles Sirius.

"Huh? I'm gonna die? Gee, that's nice to know. AAHHH! Stop ogling me!" Runs away from Paulina, who chases after him.

Remus stares out at the crowd. Crowd stares out at him. For a looooong time.

Remus suddenly shouts, "I WIN! LOSERS!"

"Huh?" Kelly comes back, leaving the sledge-hammering to Harry. "What'd you win?"

"The staring contest!" Remus grins excitedly. "I beat them!" Runs offstage, looking for his trophy.

Kelly shrugs. "Oooooooook. Well, after that interesting development, I'm afraid the "bullfight" time between me and the printer is over! Until next time!" She runs offstage. And trips.

"WHAT IS THAT BLOODY CHAIR DOING OUT HERE AGAIN?!?"

* * *

Silly…pointless… I'm considering adding a sequel. It's a crazy fic that shouldn't, and doesn't make sense!

* * *

No criticism, please. This is all in fun and games. I would appreciate some ideas for the next installment of THE PRINTER BATTLE CHRONICLES! Though! So, until next time!!

Tinkerbell's best friend


End file.
